Celebrity High School

[00:00:04] Somebody needs to do a song for LA. [00:00:13] Hello, my name is Elaine, and I'll be your tour guide through south central Los Angeles. Look, count my nose, Smoker. I'm from California. Where you from? So what? I'm from California. California, California, California. This is Los Angeles. Where we going? [00:00:33] Yes, sir. You gotta set the vibe right. I'm gonna give a shout out to twelve Cal. Y'all hear his name a lot in bread. Bread. So some episodes ago, I had a. I had a episode that I did with all, you know, the top five of all time. The most magnificent r and B hippie of the mall, j bug. J's quick three. And I asked her a question about. [00:01:06] Well, I gave her a multiple. No, no. Multiple. What. What am I trying to say? I asked her if she would rather stay on the same block as TLC. That's one of her favorite groups, if not her favorite group of all time. I thought that was gonna be a layup versus go to high school with Prince. That's a pretty cool one. [00:01:29] Or be co workers with Janet and Mike. And she picked that one, which is very understandable, because I would pick that all three is dope. You know what I'm saying? You got to figure that lunch, that break room, is bananas with the pettiness that's going to come from the Jackson family alone. Come on, dog. [00:01:54] But, you know, going to high school, we're prince. And this is what pretty much started all of it, you know, is j bug, you know, mentioned on her episode that she. Who she picked is who she picked. Twelve cow heard our episode and disagreed with her by saying there's only one answer, and the answer is to go to high school with princess. And he then made an episode about how Prince would be in high school and the reason why we would have wanted to go to that particular high school with Prince. [00:02:40] And also, you know, Brit Brick, you know what I'm saying, had an episode, a phenomenal episode, where she created a high school and she replaced your everyday, you know, regular pedestrians in certain positions at the high school with celebrities. [00:03:06] And that's what I'm here to do. So without further ado, I want to introduce to you celebrity high. [00:03:17] Oh, man. Oh, man. [00:03:22] The three names that I mentioned to you, the three podcasters that I mentioned, everybody brain just thinks that way. We're all consistently. [00:03:36] And dope. [00:03:38] Just dope. [00:03:40] For that question that I asked J bug to turn into those two type of episodes. Now a third one, I gotta say, man, great minds think alike. But nonetheless, let's get back to CHS. No, that's not Crenshaw High. That is celebrity high. And I'm gonna start towards that. I'm gonna get to the assistant principal because we already know the top four positions at that, at the school is gonna be principal, maybe assistant principal, the english teacher, and one of. One of the sports teams. That's top four right there. But we gonna get to it starting on the lower end. We're gonna work ourselves up to that principal, and we're gonna start with a. We're gonna start with a college counselor. [00:04:32] Most high schools, if not all, had a college counselor. I. [00:04:39] You know, I regret not taking what my college counselor said seriously and not to blame her, but I wish she would have. [00:04:51] Nah, I can't say that I should have just listened, but maybe a different approach would have been a more aggressive approach, and I just wasn't convinced. But nonetheless, we're going to go with our college. Our college counselor for celebrity High, Alfonso. Robert. Well, come on, Carlton. [00:05:14] Carlton is going to be my college counselor because I need. I need that type of nerdiness. [00:05:21] I need that type, you know what I'm saying? And he got connections. [00:05:26] So I got to go with Carlton. We're going to go with the band teacher. Oh, my God. That's important. Why? Especially at the high school game is lit. [00:05:37] You know what? You want to know what? My high school wasn't doing it. I was so pissed off. But when we played schools like Locke or Crenshaw, the schools that were predominantly, like, you know, black, and Locke was similar to us. They had a lot of Hispanics at l school, but they had more black kids. It was just more seasoning. So they would play just like the hbCus. Like that was our hBCus with certain high schools, right? So, yeah, Crenshaw, Block, Dorsey, like, those type of bands will play whatever the latest hits or singles is out. Like, we played a lot of aaliyah, you know what I'm saying? Aaliyah got a lot of spins, as, you know, in those. In those stance, you know what I'm saying? 112 pac. Of course. You know what I'm saying? It was. [00:06:32] It was nice. [00:06:35] My band teacher for celebrity high, we going prints? [00:06:41] Yeah. This is the man who played damn near all the instruments. So why would I want a guy like that? And I know he gonna. I know he gonna grab a few students and convert them into having a third eye open, you know what I'm saying? I know he gonna. He gonna have some students that want to help him push the message, you know? What I'm saying, they just gonna come back after they graduate and boom. [00:07:04] You know what I'm saying? But prince definitely. And I can see him just not listening to what the principal or assistant principal or whoever has the budget talking about. Like he gonna do his own thing. Shout out to prince. Being my band. Now, the lunch lady, that's an important role right there. Cause that lunch lady come with a lot of love, a lot of patience, a lot of stimuli, a lot of. When I say stamina, stamina. [00:07:32] Yeah. So you gotta be careful with this one, man. And there's so many, you heard, like, brits. Loretta Devine. That's a good one. Because, you know, she could cook for sure, from scratch. We seen that, huh? Waiting to exhale. We seen how much she put down. So that's a great selection from Brett. Shout out. You can't get no better than that. But you know who I'm gonna go with? Queen Latisha. [00:08:02] I'm gonna stick with the heavy arms. [00:08:05] Yeah, yeah. Even Khadijah. [00:08:08] Yeah, I could take that version. See, we didn't want to talk about breaking down the versions. Cause once I get down that list, you gonna see what I mean. [00:08:16] Yeah. But definitely. I definitely take Khadija as my lunch lady. Yes, yes, yes. I like that one. I like that one. I like that one. For a celebrity high. Now, my next one is the campus security. So Brett called it something else. [00:08:36] We just had security. We didn't have the other thing. [00:08:39] You know what I'm saying? We didn't. We did. We had campus security. We knew all of them. Like, some was super dope. Someone was doper than others. Someone. Some were, you know, straight by the book. You know what I'm saying? Some was corny. You know what I'm saying? You had the corny ones who tried to be cool, but still had to do their job. And you know what I'm saying? Those type of cats. And then you had the ones that wasn't too far apart in age and was letting cats. All right, I see you. Make sure you close that back gate. I'm not telling no. Nobody but our campus security. Hear me out. Oh, you don't love this. We got Denzel Washington. Yeah, yeah. I want training day, Denzel. Right? Then we got Mary Jane. Mary J, you go, you gotta have a cool female security guard, and she got body. [00:09:31] Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then my last one, Drew Ski. You gotta have that one. Security guard, that's. Nigga, that's just funny. And, you know, y'all not too the nigga, he probably, like, 2021. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So that's my. That is my campus security for celebrity high. Denzel Washington, Mary J. Blige, and Drew ski. Okay, we moving on to the science. [00:09:59] Science teacher. [00:10:01] You know what I would want to have? [00:10:07] I'm going to go have baked Dave Chappelle. I'm going. Dave Chappelle as my science teacher. [00:10:15] Having that nigga explain velocity and planets and acceleration, gravity. [00:10:25] Yeah, definitely. I can hear the weird voice is going to help him break down science items, energy, all of that. Impact velocity. He gonna be able to explain all of that with that high pitched voice. I gotta love it. That's my science. That's my science teacher. Spanish teacher. Yeah. I'm gonna throw you out curveball on this one. I'm gonna throw you all curveball on this one. I know a lot of y'all think JLO is gonna be up there, right? J LO is a good one, don't get me wrong, but I feel like the english teacher is a very important one. I'm gonna tell you why that affects this one right here, why it affects the spanish one, and I am why I'm gonna throw you a curveball. [00:11:20] My spanish teacher for celebrity high is gonna be no other than the infamous levar Burton from reading Rainbow. I'm gonna tell you why. He looked like he's smart enough, like he know multiple languages. He has major respect in the high school. He's one of those Og teachers where when you walk into his classroom, that motherfucker. Quiet. It's like them kids is. They just. [00:11:49] It's a different set of kids. Like the motherfuckers. As soon as they go in that classroom, they know he don't play. [00:11:56] He's very smart, though, and he travel a lot. Levar Burton. That's my Spanish. That's my spanish teacher. Physical education. This. Now we warming up. Now we get into the meat and potatoes of the school, because when we start talking about the PE teacher, that's different right there. You always remember your PE teachers. [00:12:22] You always. Mine's in middle school, Miss Siegel. And she. She was. She was. [00:12:29] Yeah, she liked women. [00:12:32] She was a butch, though. [00:12:34] She was. She was a butch. Oh, my God. And she had, like, this. [00:12:39] This tattoo. I think it was a tattoo of a seagull or something like that, but, yeah, Miss Seagull. [00:12:47] And she looked like. She. Whoop, yo. She looked like a truck driver. [00:12:51] I'm sorry. I'm telling you the truth, though. [00:12:55] I'm telling you the truth. All right, but the physical education teacher for celebrity high. Oh, my God. [00:13:06] We going David Allen Greer. Oh, you got it, nigga. That class gonna be lit. Just imagine. [00:13:16] You know, you know that. [00:13:18] Oh, my God. David Allen Grier as my pE teacher. That's fire, Brent, and you know it. And you know it. That's a good one. That's a good one. Let's get to the basketball coach. This is. This is extremely important, especially in my book. I'm a basketball player. [00:13:40] Lakers fan. UCLA basketball. [00:13:44] Right. [00:13:47] Fremont Hightown. [00:13:50] That basketball coach is pivotal in a lot of people's lives, because the head coach is not just a head coach. He a father figure. [00:14:00] He a male, positive male role model in the community as well. [00:14:05] He has played a part in saving a lot of kids lives, especially when he's inner, you know, neighborhoods, these city neighborhoods, these ghettos, these hoods. [00:14:17] Yeah, I'm going. Lawrence Fishburne. [00:14:21] Yeah. [00:14:23] King of New York. Lawrence Fishburne. [00:14:27] Yeah, that's the one I'm going with. Box for basketball. [00:14:31] That's what I'm going with. Twelve cow. Lawrence Fish burner's gonna be my head coach. [00:14:36] Basketball. Head coach for celebrity high. Yeah. Yeah. We there. We have full mo right now. Football. Oh, nigga. What she thought. [00:14:47] We there now. Twelve cow. We there now, King Germ. We are there now, Goldie. So all my football heads. We're there now. [00:14:58] The football. The head football coach who I'm hiring. [00:15:02] The celebrity high school, the one, the only, Al Bundy. And you know how many. You know how many touchdowns he had in one game? [00:15:14] Why wouldn't I want Al Bundy on the sideline? And you know which coach I want? You want to know which coach I want. Little giants. [00:15:23] I want Lil giants. Al Bundy, head coach. [00:15:27] I said that. I said that. Economics. [00:15:32] This is probably one of the most important classes you will ever take and that I did not pay attention to enough. [00:15:41] In high school, most of the work was open book, too, because it's philosophy. I can't say it word for word, but it was something like, you need to know this information. You need to know how money works. You need to know about taxes, you need to know about. [00:16:01] And it was born. [00:16:03] I passed a class, but it was born. I hated that class. I ain't gonna say I hated it, but it was born. [00:16:11] I feel like a teacher of this stature. [00:16:18] His voice is what matters. I think his voice alone demands not just respect, but it draws you in. You can't help but to pay attention to it, although it can help you fall asleep as well. If you turn this on at night. [00:16:43] And that is my economics teacher for celebrity high, James Earl Jones. [00:16:51] What you thought? [00:16:53] What did you thought? [00:16:56] That's who I got. [00:16:59] Goddamn right. [00:17:03] Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what, you can't, you can't find a better one than that for economics? [00:17:12] Nah, nah. I didn't even have a close second in that one. [00:17:18] Math teacher. Oh, here we go. Here we go. [00:17:23] Here we go. You need somebody with charisma. [00:17:28] You need somebody because math is just one of those subjects that a lot of people don't. They can't, they just can't stand it. And we all together with it. And math is important, but it's, you got to unlock that side of your brain for you to just coast through some, some numbers like that. But like I said, you also need some charisma. Some charisma and help you get through the class. It'll help you learn because you'll be attracted to the charisma. [00:18:01] And that's Wesley Snipes. That's going to be my math teacher. And that's crazy. I know. I know the joke that comes along with that because of the tax and stuff with Wesley. [00:18:11] That's why he'll be finished. [00:18:14] It's not a laughing matter. It's really scary. But, yeah, Wesley snipes as my math teacher at celebrity high. We going history now. Look, shout out. Brit stole my answer, so I'm stealing it back. I don't think outside of, like, maybe an ice cube, Chuck djdeh, you know what I'm saying? It's a couple other cats, but I'm going with Kate KDot as my history teacher. And you already know why, man. [00:18:42] You know, I think that's gonna have a poetic side to history that he can add to it, you know what I'm saying? I think. I think his presentation of history is gonna be more vivid, you know what I'm saying? And it's gonna be more colorful than what we used to have in high school. So I gotta agree with her. KDot, that's a landslide, you know what I'm saying? But like I said, ice Cuba right there. Chuck Diaz right there. You know, so I like that. I like that. I like that. Let's keep it rolling because we getting there. The english teacher, we coming up on the end, y'all. We coming up on the end. The english teacher is the most important, the most important player on this team. [00:19:30] Now, hear me, hear me, and hear me well. This is what I'm about to do. I got this idea from a middle school memory because my english teacher in middle school. Her name was Miss Efante. [00:19:48] Lord Jesus, help. [00:19:53] I was in the 7th grade when I seen this woman walk through the door. [00:20:04] And it crushed my heart when I found out that she was dating one of the basketball players from UCLA. And the reason why we took a trip to UCLA, which was my first time on campus, which makes me a UCLA fan, is because he gave us tickets to come see them, practice, and, uh, walk around campus. [00:20:36] Yeah, I was. I was crushed when he came through under the. You know, he looked about 6916. Ducked his head under the door. [00:20:44] I was sick, you know, saying, like, you got. That's. That's mine right there. He just. He. That's it. Apparently, I didn't get the memo. You know what I'm saying? But where I'm going with this is your english teacher got to be fine. [00:21:02] And that's what I'm going with. I'm going with fine at my celebrity high school, my english teacher, Holly motherfucking Barry. [00:21:14] I don't care which version you want to picnic. I'll pick boomerang. [00:21:18] I pick losing Isaiah when she lost that motherfucker version. Okay? [00:21:25] I don't care which Holly Berry shoes or fish is. [00:21:28] Bring them little titties out. [00:21:31] What? Monster Bo. I don't care what. I don't care which Holly Berry you pick, bro. [00:21:39] That's gonna be my goddamn english teacher. [00:21:44] Yeah. Yeah. Now, these last two, assistant principal and the principal, or Dean, in some cases, right. Dean. Just make it sound a little bit more strict. [00:22:00] Assistant principal for celebrity high. [00:22:04] You gotta have that mixture. [00:22:07] You gotta have that mixture of being stern but well respected. [00:22:12] You know what I'm saying? Like, not afraid. Students are not afraid to come and talk to you. You know what I mean? They got a different type of respect. It's not a. You're an older person. [00:22:24] We're rebelling against you, but we have to listen because you still have authority over us. No, it's really, like, some. Some students look at, like, your goals, because you pull up in a certain type of car, you dress a certain type of way, you smell a certain type of way. And this goal for either gender, the two genders that I know of, shout out to King James, like, 74. I don't know, y'all, they're 72. [00:22:56] But here we are, assistant principal for celebrity high. [00:23:02] None on the infamous Paul Mooney. [00:23:08] Absolutely. You know how much gems I'm gonna get? You know how much joke's gonna fly over my head because I'm too young and I understand it, and he know that. So he knows years, maybe even a decade from now when I. When I get the joke, he know I'm thinking about him. [00:23:25] That's crazy. [00:23:28] Paul Mooney is my assistant principal for celebrity high. And now we've come to the final position of the high school. The head honcho, the dean, aka the leader, also known as the principal. Now, this one, I'm kind of like dolomite, man. I never really talked about it on my shoulder, nothing like that. [00:23:55] But I have expressed how I felt about her personality in general. [00:24:00] Very critical. When she started talking about the payment that she was supposed to. She thought she was supposed to receive because of her career and who she is in her name. I disagree with a lot of stuff that she says. And I also think she acts a little corny sometimes, but still heavily respected. And she cute to me, you know what I'm saying? She slimmed down and got cute. Her not wasn't never cute, but cute. Her like, she. The older she got, the finer she's starting to look. [00:24:38] Hey, that's Monique. [00:24:40] I said it because Monique got the. You not gonna talk to me that way, young man. [00:24:49] She got so pro black. But I'm still gonna take care of you if you a different race. She got that to me. She just got a southern root to her that's probably capped off with a, what is she, Midwest. [00:25:12] You know what I'm saying? Well, rze, what was you. How. What would you label her like? [00:25:21] I mean, we all come from the south, right? [00:25:25] But you know what I mean? Like, how would you. Word. Whatever. Monique, that's gonna be my principal for celebrity high. [00:25:35] Yeah, I think. And that's a cool. That's a cool. Our graduating percentage is at 97.9. I mean, you can't help everybody. Some cats just drop out. [00:25:49] Our graduation rate is bananas. Because look at what I got. Look at my staff. [00:25:56] You know what I'm saying? We got Carlton. We got prince. [00:26:00] Denzel Levar Burton. David Allen Greer. What? [00:26:06] James Earl Jones Kdot. Wesley Snipes. [00:26:12] Paul Mooney. Oh, my niggas is graduating black. Excellence. [00:26:18] Put it to you like that, dog. I don't know. You can make a better high school. Go ahead and try.